Becoming A Billionaire in 6 Simple Steps Number 3 Will Absolutely Not Shock You’
By Phil La Duke
These days the gap between the ultra-rich and the rest of us is growing rapidly. It is said that money can’t by happiness but it’s also true that poverty can’t buy anything. (Besides, any billionaire worth his salt will tell you it’s always smarter to lease happiness.) If you are currently poor and happy struggling to meet your daily needs, well good for you, but for those of you who aspire to a better life I offer these insanely simple steps to becoming a billionaire. If this sounds too good to be true, take a hard look at the billionaires and you will find that a good many followed my formula and to a person it worked out for them. What’s more, these steps towards becoming a billionaire are so insanely easy that in most cases you don’t have DO anything you simply have to BE something. So here goes:
- Be born to billionaire parents. One of the easiest, and surest ways of becoming ultra wealthy is to be the child of ultra wealthy parents, and the best thing about it is all you have to do is survive a childhood of privilege. My advice is to stay away from dangerous sports — like anything remotely close to an equestrian pastime. Horses, even very wealthy horses, tend to hate the ultra rich and will do their best to kill them. And ponies? Apart from hating all humanity they also have a chip on their shoulders about not being horses; avoid them at all costs
- Be white. Being white can be tricky — especially now that we have things like Ancestry.com or National Geographic both of whom will run your DNA and screw up your country club application in a heartbeat. I had mine done and after a lifetime of being French and German I found out I’m half Viking with the remainder being a soup of Jewish, Italian, Irish, and English, oh and a little French. So now I can’t wear the kicky blue beret I bought in Paris or use the Fleur-Di-Lis wax seal I would use to rub my Frenchness in the noses of the other ethnic types when I sent out Christmas cards (and now Hanukkah cards as well.) So if you can be white — and in this age of DNA chicanery, STAY white — it’s a great step toward being a billionaire. And to all you White Supremacists don’t hide behind “I don’t want to the government to have my DNA. The truly white aren’t afraid that they might not be 100% pure. If you lack the courage to take the test it means you secretly believe that you are inferior to your Swastika tattooed and hood-wearing brothers.
- Be Male. The advantages of being male are numerous: better pay, shorter lines at public restrooms, and of course a far greater likelihood that you will be a billionaire some day. In all seriousness, I don’t know why anyone WOULDN’T be male, at least anyone serious about becoming a billionaire — but hey someone has to dig ditches I guess, and let’s face it not everyone is cut out to be a billionaire. Some of you reading are thinking, “hey I was born female”. Well, maybe that excuse might have been valid 50 years ago but modern science can hook you up and turn you into a male. Oh the wondrous times in which we live!
- Go to an Ivy League school. Okay this isn’t a sure ticket to billionaire status but, and I am spit-balling here (I didn’t do the actual research I’m lazy after all), I’d be willing to guess that Harvard has produced more billionaires than all the community colleges in the nation combined. Is it a coincidence Harvard has graduated 52 billionaires but my Alma Mater, Monroe County Community College has graduated none? I think not.
- Cooperate with other billionaires. By making friends with other billionaires you can collude with each other to convince the rest of the population that paying your fair share of taxes is a bad idea and is not in the country’s best interests. You can also use your collective wealth and clout to buy elections and make obscene contributions to candidates who are content to line their pockets by being your sycophantic stooge. They will do your bidding and it really won’t cost you all that much. Politicians are cheap, integrity is expensive.
- Have your parents die and leave their fortunes to you. Actually, this is really the only step you really need take if you were smart enough to be born to a billionaire; dead parents are a great way to make the ascent to billionaire status. Of course generally speaking, it’s a drag waiting around for the old man and old lady to gag out a death rattle, and with medical advancements and the standard of medical care affordable and available to men and women of means, you might have to suck up to the old puss bags for decades, and who needs that? Killing them is a logical solution, but billionaires are hard as a coffin nail, surprisingly spry in their old age, and rat canny. But I said the steps were easy not fast